Republicans Anonymous by Alan Bisbort

Step 1: I admit that my life has become unmanageable due to my powerlessness over my untreated and chronic Republicanism.

Step 2: I believe that a power greater than Republicanism, alternately called facts and truth, can restore me to sanity.

Step 3: I have made a decision to turn my will and my life over to facts and truth.

Step 4: I have made a searching and fearless moral inventory of the Republican Party, and found it to be despicable and without any redeeming values whatsoever.

Step 5: I am admitting, in front of all these thousands of other anonymous Republicans, that I was wrong and deluded, and I am now sick and tired of the fear and the shame and the HIDING from my better instincts.

Step 6: I am entirely ready to have the impeachment process remove all the defects of character possessed by the Demon Republicanism.

Step 7: I humbly ask the people of the world who are not Republicans to forgive me and help me remove this terrible stain upon my character.

Step 8: I began to compile a list of all the people that my Republicanism has harmed and then gave up because I realized it has harmed all 6 billion people on the planet and I'd get writer's cramp trying to write all of their names down and, besides, the names from India and Solomon Islands are really hard to spell.

Step 9: I resolve to make amends to all of them, somehow.

Step 10: I will continue to monitor my latent Republicanism, knowing that, like all addictions, it may never fully leave me and thus I must be vigilant to catch myself before I start thinking like Newt Gingrich or one of those other helmet-haired white pundits who will be forgotten five minutes after the dirt and sod is kicked over their miserable bones.

Step 11: I have sought through meditation on the U.S. Constitution to improve my conscious contact with Democracy, as the forefathers designed it.

Step 12: I will try to carry this message to other Republicans and to use the newfound principles of facts and truth to counter the delusional race-baiting and fear-mongering that divides people rather than brings them together.

Keep coming back. Democracy works!